Purity Pledge and Its Fallout

Beyond the Pledge: The Men Undone by Evangelical Sex Rules

For many individuals, turning 40 often inspires a period of self-reflection. It represents a time to take stock of life’s achievements. Yet for some men, this moment brings a painful realisation. They have a career and a home but lack any experience with romantic intimacy. Raised within the strict confines of evangelical purity culture, these men now navigate adulthood feeling profoundly unprepared for relationships, their emotional and sexual lives shaped by a doctrine of shame and restraint.

This ideology left a generation of men grappling with a confusing paradox. Religious teachings cast them as natural aggressors and uncontrollable sexual beasts who must simultaneously remain pure. Many now find themselves in a state of arrested development, struggling to form healthy connections. The promise that sexual holiness would earn them a reward has, for many, resulted in confusion and a deep sense of loss, leaving them to question everything they were taught about love, sex, and their own identities.

A Personal Reckoning

A personal inventory upon his 40th birthday led Matt, a pseudonym, to confront a void in his life. He held a university degree and enjoyed a stable career. Two cherished dogs completed his household. Despite these markers of a successful adult life, he had never experienced a romantic relationship or any form of sexual partnership. The absence of profound, loving intimacy was a heavy burden. He frequently found himself pondering what it would be like to experience being truly in love with someone.

Matt's upbringing occurred inside a strict Christian home where any form of sexual expression, including self-pleasure, was deemed sinful. The singular, unforgettable message he internalised was that such actions would destroy his existence and lead to eternal damnation. This teaching created a formidable barrier to understanding his own body and desires, a barrier that would persist for decades.

A Crisis of Shame

Although Matt had gradually moved away from the evangelical church, the sexual shame instilled in him during his youth remained. He chose to address this persistent sense of shame near his birthday by purchasing a masculine pleasure device. The experience, however, only deepened his feelings of inadequacy. After he had removed the cumbersome item from its packaging and awkwardly tried to use it, he experienced no sensation but frustration and embarrassment. The episode left him feeling foolish and defeated.

Overwhelmed, he turned to an online forum for support. Within an online community dedicated to former evangelicals, he expressed his frustration about never learning even the most basic aspects of sexuality. His post resonated deeply within the 30,000-member community, a space where discussions about relationships and sexuality are common. Members frequently exchange stories, offer comfort, and suggest helpful resources.

Image Credit - Freepik

Finding a New Community

A commenter in the online group suggested a members-only community: Erica Smith, a sex educator, manages the Purity Culture Dropout Program. This organisation provides structured sex-education lessons. It also offers a secure environment for individuals to unpack ingrained fears and face the shame they have carried for years. Matt saw a glimmer of hope. He eagerly joined the program, keen to find the guidance he never received.

The programme’s mission focuses on providing medically accurate, inclusive, and trauma-informed sexuality education. It aims to fill the significant gaps left by a purity-focused upbringing. For Matt and others like him, it represents a crucial step toward healing and self-understanding. The community aspect is vital, normalising their experiences and reducing the intense isolation many feel.

The Anatomy of a Movement

A conservative Christian ideology that promotes waiting for sex until after marriage, known as purity culture, surged in popularity during the nineties and the start of the new millennium. This period coincided with Matt's teenage years. The movement was a response from evangelical communities to growing anxieties about early sexualisation and the AIDS epidemic. It presented a clear, albeit rigid, set of rules for young people to follow in order to maintain their spiritual cleanliness.

In 1993, a ‘true love waits’ initiative was started by the Southern Baptist Convention. This campaign encouraged teenagers to sign pledge cards committing to sexual abstinence until they entered a biblical marriage. Publications like 1997's I Kissed Dating Goodbye provided strict guidance, instructing young people to avoid dating for recreational purposes. The movement’s influence was widespread and highly visible.

From Church Pews to National Policy

The ideals of purity culture quickly expanded beyond church walls into the mainstream. Popular figures, including the Jonas Brothers, famously sported ‘purity rings’ to signify their dedication to the ‘true love waits’ pledge. The movement’s leaders did not confine their message to religious circles; they actively promoted it as a matter of national importance. This advocacy had a tangible impact on public policy, embedding abstinence as a cornerstone of government-funded sex education.

In 1994, a significant ‘true love waits’ rally took place in Washington, where countless young people amassed, blanketing the National Mall with about 200,000 pledge cards. A couple of years after that, President Bill Clinton enacted legislation allocating $50 million annually for sex education focused solely on abstinence. The Bush administration subsequently expanded this funding, even with increasing proof that these initiatives were not succeeding at reducing teenage sexual activity.

Image Credit - Freepik

The Flawed Logic of Abstinence-Only Education

Despite significant government investment, particularly in the United States, research consistently shows that education focusing solely on abstinence does not work. Studies indicate that such programmes do not delay the initiation of sex or reduce the number of sexual partners. In fact, some evidence suggests they may cause harm by withholding crucial information about contraception and safe sex, leaving young people ill-prepared when they do become sexually active.

In contrast, thorough sexuality education, which includes information about both abstinence and contraception, has been proven to be more effective. Research from the UK and US shows that young people who receive comprehensive education are more likely to delay their first sexual experience and use protection when they become active. The US continues to have a teen pregnancy rate that is among the highest in the developed world, a stark contrast to countries with more comprehensive approaches.

The Male Paradox

The teachings of purity culture had a particularly complex and contradictory impact on men. They were simultaneously portrayed as aggressive sexual beings with uncontrollable urges and as spiritual leaders responsible for upholding moral purity. This confusing dichotomy is explored by Bradley Onishi, a one-time minister and religious academic who co-presents the ‘Straight White American Jesus’ podcast. He explains that this ideology casts God as the ultimate masculine figure, creating an impossible standard for men to emulate.

This dynamic often leads to intense anxiety and insecurity, as men feel they are under constant scrutiny. Onishi argues that masculinity within this framework becomes a performance for other men, rooted in an unhealthy and unrealistic ideal. He warns that if men do not heal from the psychological effects of purity culture, they risk perpetuating harm to themselves and others, struggling to form healthy romantic, familial, and professional relationships.

The Architect’s Regret

The author of the landmark 1997 publication I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris, is now a key personality in the conversation about purity culture's legacy. Years after its publication, Harris publicly expressed remorse for the anxiety his book generated and the misleading assurance that his approach would result in a blissful conclusion. He announced that he and his publisher had agreed to cease its publication, stating that he no longer agreed with its core message that dating should be avoided.

Harris acknowledged that his book gave the impression that following a specific formula would result in a holy union and a perfect life, an idea he now admits is unrealistic. His apology was part of a broader journey of re-evaluation, which included producing a documentary titled I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye. For many who felt restricted and hurt by his teachings, however, the apology was seen as an insufficient gesture delivered far too late.

Image Credit - Freepik

The Deconstruction Wave

Harris’s public reversal of his views coincided with a wider trend known as the deconstruction movement, which gained popularity around 2016. This process involves believers, particularly those from evangelical backgrounds, critically re-examining and questioning the foundations of their faith. Deconstruction can be a destabilising experience, often accompanied by feelings of anger, guilt, and confusion, but it can also result in feelings of freedom.

This movement is not about wholesale abandonment of faith for everyone; for some, it leads to a reconstructed, more personal belief system. It often arises from negative experiences within the church, including encounters with misogyny, racism, or the mishandling of abuse. The rise of social media and podcasts has provided a platform for this movement, allowing individuals to share their stories and find community outside of traditional church structures.

A Childhood Steeped in Fear

Matt’s childhood in 1980s Pennsylvania was dominated by his family’s deep involvement in the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist church. This very conservative sect posits that men are granted godly power over females and the young. Weekends were structured around church activities, from choir practice to vowing loyalty to the US flag that was positioned beside the pulpit. This environment established a rigid framework for his understanding of the world.

As a young boy, Matt was reserved and compassionate. Because of a cardiac issue, he could not take part in athletics, which led him to pursue artistic and musical interests—activities his social circle deemed feminine. He received the clear message that boys were meant to be tough and strong, a mould he felt he could not fit. This early messaging contributed to a sense of being fundamentally flawed.

The Trauma of Discovery

Formal sex education was completely absent from Matt’s home. Similar to other kids, he stumbled upon self-pleasure between the ages of nine and ten, though he did not comprehend the act. He found that touching himself was a soothing activity that helped him fall asleep. This private exploration, however, was abruptly shattered. At eleven, his dad discovered him and reacted with explosive anger, creating a moment of intense public shame.