The HELP Tool for Parenting

The Best Way to Handle Those Tricky Parenting Moments: Insight from Child Psychologists

Parenting is an incredible adventure filled with love and laughter, but let's be honest – it has its fair share of tough times too! One of our biggest goals is to help our children learn and grow, rather than focus on punishment, even when their behavior makes it difficult. We get it because we're moms too! Sometimes, when feelings are intense for both us and our kids, we'd jump at any tool to get us back on track. Whether you have a young child having outbursts or a teenager pushing boundaries, those moments can feel overwhelming. That's why we want to share a strategy you can have ready at a moment's notice.

As child psychologists, we frequently turn to a simple but powerful acronym to guide us during difficult parenting situations. It doesn't matter if your child is a toddler or a teen, this tool works! We call it H.E.L.P., which stands for:

• Halt
• Empathy
• Limits
• Proximity

Here's how it works:

H is for Halt

Imagine your child is lashing out at a sibling, or they've completely disregarded a rule. Before saying or doing anything, it's incredibly valuable to hit the pause button. Ask yourself, "What could be driving this behavior?"

It's easy to forget that no child actually wants to be 'bad'. Why would they deliberately want to let someone they love down? Our kids, by and large, want to do the right thing and please us. However, they're still developing and learning. Their brains aren't yet fully mature, causing them to rely heavily on emotions rather than logic. Plus, they simply don't have many years of experience to draw from! Sometimes, this combination results in perplexing choices.

The important thing to remember is that a child's actions don't define who they are. It can be difficult when they're acting out, but those behaviors are usually attempts to tell us something. As parents, our job is to decode that message - it usually reveals a need that isn't being met, or a skill they need help with.

Think of those meltdowns and outbursts as clues. "Bad" behavior might be your child's way of expressing:

• Simple things like hunger or tiredness
• Feeling overstimulated by their environment
• Emotional overwhelm, loneliness, sadness, or fear
• Confusion about your expectations
• A desire for more independence or time spent in nature
• A need for you to set clearer boundaries
• A deep longing for a stronger connection with you
• The beginnings of feeling unwell
• Anxiety related to schoolwork or social situations
• Too much time on digital devices
• Not enough time spent on play or physical activity
• Difficulty with a recent change or transition

As the grown-up, it's up to us to patiently try to understand the root cause of the behavior.

However, staying calm and avoiding immediate reactions can be incredibly challenging, especially when we see our kids struggling. We might find ourselves automatically reverting to unhelpful habits we witnessed in our own childhoods. Maybe we were taught that crying is 'weak', or that anger was the only way to defend ourselves.

In those heightened moments, it can help to question whether your feelings are about your child, or about old wounds from your own past. For example, is it "My child's cries bring up my own unresolved sadness and overwhelm me", or is it, "My child's words are intentionally hurtful and that pain is justified"?

Developing this kind of self-awareness is a game-changer. It allows us to let go of outdated patterns and choose a more mindful, compassionate response. When dealing with older children, this becomes even more vital. Our emotional reactivity could overshadow their ability to grasp the lessons we ultimately want to teach. Sometimes, the wisest option is to take a break for a while, even a full day, before addressing the rest of the H.E.L.P. process.

E is for Empathy

This step focuses entirely on making sure our children feel safe, seen, and truly heard before we attempt to set limits, teach a lesson, or discuss solutions. Think of empathy as understanding their world from their perspective and showing genuine acceptance of their feelings.

Let's break it down. First, it's about welcoming their emotions, whatever they might be. Get down on their level if needed, make gentle eye contact, and use a soft, warm tone of voice. Acknowledge and validate what they're going through by saying things like, "I see you're feeling so angry right now," or "You seem so sad about what happened."

The next part is crucial - really listen. Try summarizing or reflecting back what you're hearing. For instance, "So, you're telling me that you felt left out when your friends didn't include you at recess today, is that right?" Don't rush to judge or minimize their emotions. Even if the behavior itself needs to be addressed, their feelings are always valid.

Also, resist the urge to immediately fix things. Your children might need space to cry, yell, or simply express themselves without your input just yet. The focus here is on them feeling truly seen and heard, not about solving the problem right this second.

Finally, try to keep your own words to a minimum. Sometimes our well-meaning explanations or lectures just overwhelm kids further. Our compassionate presence is the most important thing in these moments. It's also a good idea to check in with yourself emotionally. Take some deep breaths if needed, and remind yourself whether your intense reaction is truly about your child or possibly something from your own past.

L is for Limits

Let's imagine a scenario. It was Thanksgiving weekend, and we had the whole extended family visiting – a house packed with over 20 people! Right before dinner, we decided to try a Chinese takeout place. My son, usually easygoing about food, suddenly became agitated. He threw his fork down and yelled, "I'm not eating this!"

In that moment, my goal was to provide structure, set clear expectations, and help him learn more appropriate ways to express himself. To do this, it's essential to keep statements brief and straightforward. Here's roughly how I handled the situation: "I understand you're feeling frustrated because you don't want to eat this. However, throwing things when you're upset isn't okay. You can tell us how you're feeling or walk away for a minute and come back when you're ready."

When I set that limit, my son erupted in tears. It didn't mean the boundary was wrong. He simply needed a different kind of support first – he needed me to offer empathy and physical closeness.

P is for Proximity

Often, when we set limits, our children will try to negotiate with us, hoping we'll change our minds. When we give a firm "no', their frustration or sadness might intensify. It's easy to feel tempted to walk away, either because their emotional reaction feels overwhelming, or we worry we're being too permissive by listening to their upset. However, allowing them to safely process their feelings is vital. Their path to learning good self-regulation starts with us co-regulating them.

To help our children calm down, staying near them sends a powerful message. Notice when the anger or frustration starts to melt into a softer sadness. This is a crucial moment of potential connection. Whether we find a space on the floor together, sit across the table, or offer a warm hug, our physical presence can mean the world to them.

P is for Proximity

Proximity offers a sense of safety and security, which is exactly what kids need in those vulnerable moments. It shows them that we aren't afraid of their big feelings and that we'll stand by them as they work through them. This kind of unconditional support teaches children that it's okay to be imperfect and authentic around us.

Of course, there might be times when you truly need some space yourself. Perhaps a difficult situation has left you emotionally drained, or your own anger is getting the best of you. In those cases, it's perfectly fine to step away for a while. You might say something like, "Mommy needs a short break too, but I'll be back in a few minutes and we can talk more." Letting our kids know that difficult emotions are normal for everyone, and even adults need time to process them, sends a valuable message.

Now, let's explore why these H.E.L.P. steps can be so effective with children of all ages. With young children, they are in the process of rapidly learning about their emotions, the world around them, and how to effectively communicate their needs. Our calm, patient approach gives them the necessary space for that development. It helps them build a sense of trust that we can handle their intense feelings without getting overwhelmed.

Offers tremendous value parenting

When it comes to teenagers, the H.E.L.P. process still offers tremendous value. We can sometimes fall into the trap of treating teenagers as "little adults," assuming they always have the logical reasoning and emotional regulation skills to match their older appearance. However, their brains are still under construction! When we approach them with empathy and healthy limits amidst their emotional storms, we convey an encouraging message: "I see that you're struggling, I take your feelings seriously, and I believe that you can learn to handle this in a better way." Ultimately, this fosters trust and openness in our communication with our teenagers, even when things get messy.

The H.E.L.P. approach isn't always a quick fix. With consistency and compassion, it can become a powerful tool for navigating those tricky parenting moments. It's also not a replacement for serious professional intervention if your child is demonstrating unsafe behaviors or showing signs of a potential mental health condition. Remember, we don't always have all the answers ourselves. Seeking expert support is a sign of strength, and a wonderful way to provide the best possible care and guidance for our children.

One additional note – using the H.E.L.P. tool can be helpful with ourselves as well! The same process can guide us through processing our own emotions as parents. When we pause before reacting, tune in to our feelings, set firm but kind limits with ourselves, and offer ourselves the comfort we need through self-care, we model invaluable behaviors for our kids!

Why Consistency is Key

It's important to be realistic about the H.E.L.P. approach. This isn't a magic solution that will immediately make all your parenting struggles disappear. Building trust and strong emotional foundations with our children takes time. However, using these steps with patience and consistency leads to powerful, long-term results.

Think of it like building a muscle. The more you use your H.E.L.P. "muscle" in those challenging moments, the stronger your ability to respond in mindful, compassionate ways becomes. The same holds true for your children! Every time they experience you truly listening to their feelings and then setting healthy boundaries, their ability to regulate their own emotions grows. Gradually, you'll see fewer explosive meltdowns and more collaborative problem-solving.

Of course, there will be setbacks along the way. Some days, exhaustion or our own emotional baggage might get the better of us, and we default to old habits – yelling instead of listening, or setting overly harsh punishments out of frustration. This is totally normal! The key is to extend self-compassion in those moments and try again the next time. Children are surprisingly forgiving when they feel genuine affection and a sincere desire to connect. Simply saying something like, "Mommy lost her cool earlier, and I'm sorry. Let's try talking about this again," can go a long way in modeling accountability and healthy conflict resolution.

Importantly, the H.E.L.P. technique should never replace professional mental health intervention if your child is exhibiting unsafe behaviors, harming themselves or others, or showing signs of depression, anxiety, or another potential diagnosis. We parents want to do everything possible to help our children, and sometimes that means recognizing that we need additional support from experienced professionals. There's no shame in seeking help – it's a testament to the deep love you have for your child, and your commitment to providing them with the care they need to thrive.

Adapting H.E.L.P. for Your Family

One of the wonderful things about this approach is that it can be tailored to your family's unique needs and your existing parenting style. Maybe you'd like to find a quiet corner of your home specifically designated as a space for emotional processing. Perhaps you'll incorporate a simple code word like "pause" to use when you or your child need a moment to regroup before continuing a difficult conversation. Get creative! The goal is to make H.E.L.P. a framework that you can readily turn to when things get bumpy.

Final Thoughts and a Recap

As parents, we often put immense pressure on ourselves to have all the answers and do everything perfectly. But the truth is, parenting is a journey of constant learning and growth, both for ourselves and our children. The H.E.L.P. approach can be a compass guiding you along that journey, especially when things become difficult. Let's recap the key steps:

Halt: Before reacting in the heat of the moment, pause. Ask yourself where your child's behavior might be stemming from. Remember, children usually want to do well, and challenging actions often stem from an unmet need or a skill they're still developing.

Empathy: Make sure your child feels seen and heard. Offer genuine acknowledgment of their emotions, even if their behavior is unacceptable. Remember, you don't have to immediately fix the problem – allow them time to express themselves.

Limits: When you're ready, set clear and simple boundaries. Explain why the behavior needs to change, and offer alternative choices if possible. Be firm but kind.

Proximity: Stay close when your child reacts to the limit you've set. Their anger may turn to tears – this shows a shift towards vulnerability, allowing for an important moment of connection. Your presence is vital as they navigate their strong emotions.

It's normal to feel overwhelmed at times. Parenting presents us with challenges as unique and varied as our children themselves. Give yourself permission to lean on those moments of difficulty as opportunities to practice H.E.L.P. The more you use these steps, the more natural and instinctive they become. Not only will you see positive changes in your child's emotional regulation, but you'll likely notice a greater sense of calm and confidence in your own parenting journey.

Remember those days when it seems like nothing is going right, and you're questioning your every move? In those tough times, be kind to yourself. Offer yourself the same compassion you strive to extend to your children. Celebrate the small victories, learn from the setbacks, and keep showing up with a loving heart, even when it's hard.

Additional Resources

If you'd like further guidance on implementing the H.E.L.P. approach or want to dive deeper into related parenting skills, here are some helpful resources:

• The Whole-Brain Child by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson
• How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King
• Positive Discipline by Dr. Jane Nelsen
• The Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University

You are not alone! There's a whole community of parents out there navigating the same joys and challenges. Seek support from loved ones, consider joining a parenting group, or reach out to a therapist specializing in parenting concerns. Raising a child is one of the most important things you'll ever do, and asking for help when you need it is a sign of strength and dedication.