Connect with Kids in Conversation

How to Really Connect with Kids in Conversation 

Let's face it: chatting with kids can be awkward, even for the most confident adults. We've all been there – a birthday party, a playground, maybe just a walk in the neighborhood, and suddenly we're face-to-face with a child. Introductions are made, there's a tiny pause, and then (despite our best intentions) we blurt out, "So, how do you like school?" 

It's easy to forget that kids are people too, just like the rest of us! So why do we often struggle to converse with them, even though we were all kids once? "We become so caught up in our adult lives that we sometimes lose touch with what it feels like to view the world through a child's eyes," explains Tina Payne Bryson, psychotherapist and co-author of The Whole-Brain Child. 

But here's the secret: connecting with a child today doesn't mean trying to remember your own childhood experiences. Instead, approach them with the same respect and open-mindedness you'd offer any new friend. If you show genuine warmth, curiosity, and a little flexibility, you might find yourself building a bridge with someone truly interesting, and that awkward "grown-up feeling" will vanish. 

Finding Common Ground 

Think of it like meeting a new adult for the first time. It takes a bit of effort to discover what you might have in common. With kids, an open-ended question will often get the ball rolling! Are you at a park with a slide? Ask what their favorite kind of slide is, and why. Did they just tell you about their pet cat? Ask if you can see a picture of it on their parent's phone. "The goal is to get the kid talking about themselves," suggests Ben R., an 11-year-old from Colorado. "Finding out about their interests is the best way to make them feel comfortable." If you love hiking, ask about the coolest nature hike they've ever done. If your passion is music, find out what their favorite song is at the moment. 

Framing matters! Adults sometimes fall back on generic questions that require only a "yes" or "no" answer. This can be a dead-end for the conversation. Robyn Silverman, host of the How to Talk with Kids About Anything podcast, has a great tip: Instead of asking "Do you play soccer?" try saying, "If you could design the perfect soccer field, what would you make sure to include?" A little imagination goes a long way in building rapport. 

That initial exchange is all about unearthing a connection. Maybe you both adore a specific book series, or you disagree strongly about whether pineapple belongs on pizza. "The amazing thing about questions is that they reveal what you have in common," Ben says. "That way, you naturally relax and can focus on building on those shared interests." 

Image Credit - Freepik

Ask Great Follow-Up Questions 

The next step to a great conversation with a kid? Actually listen to them! Surprisingly, this is where many adults slip up. Instead of paying attention to what a kid is saying, we often jump in with stories about ourselves or change the topic entirely. Ben, our resident expert, has experienced this firsthand: "Once, I was in line for a water slide, and this adult asked my grade level. When I told him, he started talking about how fast his childhood went by! I was like, seriously? Adults get distracted and sometimes forget that kids can have conversations just like they do." 

Asking genuine follow-up questions involves a bit of humility. Kids naturally see themselves as the center of their world, and they love talking about their favorite things. "Treat kids like experts on what they care about," says Dr. Morgan Eldridge, a clinical psychologist. "If they're obsessed with Pokemon and you know absolutely nothing about it, ask away! Get them to explain the basics, then dive into details about their favorite character." 

Body language and tone matter too. When speaking to a younger child, it helps literally to get on their level. Crouching down avoids looming over them. With kids of any age, face them directly, turn your phone off, and give them your full attention. There's no need to alter your voice in a sing-song way, though. "Sometimes adults speak to me in a weird baby voice," Ben says, "We're a lot smarter and more observant than they realize!" 

Creating a safe space is also important for open communication. The natural power difference between adults and kids can be intimidating, especially if they don't know you well. "Children have what we call the '4 S' needs," Dr. Bryson explains - "They need to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Relax your posture, smile a lot, and show them you find them interesting." 

Let Them Take the Lead 

Once you've got things going, take a step back. "Adults often assume they have to talk a lot when they're with kids," says Silverman. "The truth is, people (and that includes kids!) love it when others really listen to them." Rather than filling every second with chatter, ask questions, and then give the child the space to direct the flow of the conversation. 

Often, kids will venture into imaginative, even silly territory. Adults tend to be more logical and focused on solutions, making this shift a bit of a challenge. "We lose that childlike joy in simply 'playing' with ideas," Dr. Bryson notes. You can always jump in with another open-ended question to keep things moving. Or get a little goofy! Ask if they'd rather fight a hundred tiny hamsters or one hamster-sized alligator. 

Above all, honor their enthusiasm. If they're excited about soccer, even if you don't care about sports, ask for details about their team. If they just learned about medieval history in school, let them tell you about their favorite historical figure. "Adults sometimes see their role as correcting or dismissing kids," Silverman points out. "This immediately shuts down communication." 

Of course, there will be missteps. Maybe you'll interrupt with some irrelevant fact. Maybe your attention will drift for a second. Don't panic! Own the slip-up, offer a simple apology, and get back to listening. "I just realized I wasn't really paying attention - I'm sorry! Can you tell me more about that awesome bug you found?" will quickly get you back on track. 

Be Yourself (Even if You're Shy by Nature) 

Just like adults, kids come in all personality types. No child expects everyone they meet to be loud and boisterous. "Sometimes kids really connect with the outgoing adult, and sometimes they find a quieter person less intimidating," Dr. Bryson explains. Authenticity matters more than anything, as kids are surprisingly good at detecting if you're being phony. "It's really just about showing up with your genuine self," Dr. Bryson shares. 

If you feel naturally shy, that's perfectly valid. Kids understand what it's like to be nervous too. "It's okay if you don't like being the center of attention," says Fiona A., an 8-year-old from California. "Sometimes I just need a break to be by myself, and that's okay too. Be yourself, and I'll do the same!" 

Handling Shy Moments 

Of course, sometimes a kid will simply seem reluctant to engage. Just as adults do, children occasionally have off days. They might be tired, overwhelmed, or just want some quiet time alone. Some children require a few attempts to warm up to a new adult. Patience and respect are key here. If a child offers only brief responses or isn't enthusiastic about your questions, Silverman suggests showing empathy. "Don't push it. You might say, 'Meeting new people can be weird, right?' Or, even share a story about a time you felt shy." Then, gently take a step back. A friendly observation can serve as a way to keep the door open: "Hey, I like those sneakers. Were those a birthday present?" 

Respect is Everything 

A great conversation with a kid – just like with an adult – is fueled by mutual respect. If you aren't genuinely excited to get to know them, they’ll likely pick up on that. "Often, adults want kids to perform for them," Ben points out. "We don't want to be treated like little entertainment robots." If both people in a conversation are interested and engaged, it's far more enjoyable for all involved. Kids have so much to teach us! "Adults could benefit from re-learning how to be present, joyful, and truly see the world with fresh eyes," says Dr. Bryson. 

Sometimes Kids Need to Lead 

Occasionally, a child may seem uninterested in starting a conversation, despite your best efforts. Children who experience intense shyness or social anxiety may find social interactions quite difficult. When a child is extremely quiet, don't try to fill every second with chatter. "Kids need downtime just like the rest of us," points out Silverman. Don't take their silence as a reflection on you! You might try a different approach, perhaps playing a game alone in a way they can observe, or doing a quiet activity that they might choose to join. Often, simply being near a child in a non-threatening way helps them feel safe and less stressed. A kind, low-pressure presence might be exactly what they need until they're ready to chat. 

Things to Keep In Mind 

Here are some additional tips for making a great connection with a young person: 

Avoid nicknames: Unless they've asked you to call them by a specific nickname, always use their real name. It shows respect for them as an individual. 

Geek out together! If you discover a shared interest, dive right in and show your own enthusiasm. Kids love seeing adults genuinely excited about something. 

Focus on the positive: While relatable, self-deprecating jokes are common among adults, they can be confusing to kids. Keep your comments upbeat and optimistic. 

Give them choices: Kids enjoy feeling some control over a situation. Ask them what activity they'd prefer, or whether they want to be indoors or outdoors. 

Watch your body language: If you're standing over a small child or checking your phone while they talk, it sends a message that you're not fully invested. 

Special Considerations for Neurodivergent Kids 

It's important to understand that not all kids develop social skills at the same pace. Children who are neurodivergent, a term that includes Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, and other learning differences, may experience unique challenges with communication and social interaction. While every child is different, there are some helpful strategies that can create a positive conversational experience for everyone involved. 

First, observe and adapt. Does the child avoid eye contact or seem easily overwhelmed by noise? If so, it might be best to find a quiet space for your conversation. Some neurodivergent kids struggle to process spoken language quickly. If you're asking a question, allow ample time for them to respond. It can be tempting to fill the silence, but resist the urge! You might even phrase it directly: "Sometimes my brain needs a few extra seconds to find the words, does yours too? I'm happy to wait." This shows empathy and patience. 

Repetitive questions or a very focused interest are common for some neurodivergent kids. While this might catch an adult off guard, it's actually a great opportunity to learn! When answered with warmth, questions about a specific topic let the child shine as the expert. "Okay, so you told me how tall the Eiffel Tower is, but I'm curious – what's it made out of?" You might end up learning something fascinating! 

Image Credit - Freepik

Supporting Neurodivergent Kids 

Focus on connection, not correction. If a child's speech is a bit unusual, avoid interrupting or trying to fix their pronunciation. Listen to the content of what they're saying, not how they're saying it. Model proper grammar naturally within your own sentences: "You saw a blue butterfly outside! Did it have any other colors on its wings?" This provides the grammatical model without interrupting their excitement. 

Be clear and direct. Kids with certain learning differences may struggle with abstract language or sarcasm. Stick to literal interpretations and concrete questions when you can. Instead of, "What have you been up to?", try, "Did you do anything fun at school today?" This helps ensure they clearly understand the question. 

Finally, don't give up! Neurodivergent kids sometimes get the message that they are "too difficult" for adults to interact with. Your kindness, patience, and a willingness to meet them halfway could have a profound impact on their development of social skills. 

Benefits for Everyone 

Connecting with kids across age differences isn't just about being a good role model. Adults can reap a ton of rewards as well! Spending time with younger people reminds us of the simple joys in life - exploring a creek for frogs, building the world's best blanket fort, sharing a hilarious knock-knock joke. In the company of a child, there's always permission to be a bit silly. 

"I think when adults really listen to kids, it helps reawaken that sense of wonder they might have lost," says Silverman. Taking a genuine interest in a child's perspective can make us more open-minded and adaptable in all areas of life. And, as cheesy as it sounds, spending time with kids truly reminds us that the future is in good hands. 

The End Result: True Friendship 

Once you initiate a friendly connection with a child, you're well on your way to developing a real relationship. Just like with an adult friend, it's important to remember things about them and bring up those details in future conversations. Did they share their excitement about an upcoming soccer tournament? Be sure to ask how it went. Did you discover a mutual love of mystery books? See if they've read anything good recently that you should check out. If you know you'll encounter a child you've spent time with before, a bit of prep goes a long way. Bryson recently hosted a friend and their young son. Anticipating his visit, she sent some funny animal videos beforehand. This offers a natural icebreaker and helps create a sense of continuity in the friendship. 

No matter the age difference, building a friendship is essentially the same: finding common ground, asking genuine questions, and really listening to the answers. Once you're actually friends, conversation flows organically. "If I get to know an adult well, it becomes easy to talk to them," says Fiona. "Making friends with an adult can be harder at first, but once you build that connection, it feels like you're both the same age inside." 

It May Take Time 

Some kids require more time than others to feel comfortable conversing with a new adult. It's key to be patient and respect boundaries. "It may take some trial and error before you find the right way to click with a specific kid," says Dr. Eldridge. "Don't interpret shyness as rejection. Simply offer a friendly smile and be available the next time you encounter them." By remaining positive and consistent, you help create a sense of safety for them, which builds trust over time. 

Of course, sometimes it just won't be a good match. "Just like with adults, you're not going to connect with every kid you meet," says Ben. If a child never seems interested in chatting, or their interests are vastly different from your own, it's okay to accept that and move on! Forcing interaction is rarely beneficial for anyone involved. 

You've Got This! 

The idea that adults don't understand them is a common complaint among children and teens. However, with a bit of attention and mindfulness, you can shatter this stereotype and build enjoyable, genuine connections with the younger generation. Be curious about their world, show empathy, and most importantly, be your authentic self. When you approach a child with the same kindness and respect you'd offer an adult friend, true friendship can blossom. The next time you spot a kid at the playground or a family gathering, give it a try – you might surprise yourself with how much fun awaits.