Mankeeping Remains An Unspoken Burden

The Unspoken Burden: How ‘Mankeeping’ is Leaving Women Exhausted

A fresh phrase has joined the lexicon of modern relationships, yet it describes a dynamic that has existed for generations. ‘Mankeeping’, a concept from a Stanford University researcher, refers to the often-unseen work performed by women in relationships with men. This goes beyond household chores; it is the mental and emotional load of managing a partner’s social life, acting as their primary confidante, and unofficially serving as their therapist. While the term may be recent, the phenomenon it describes is deeply rooted in societal expectations and is now being recognised as a significant factor in relationship burnout. As men’s social circles shrink, many women find themselves the sole emotional support system for their partners, a position that is equally demanding and, ultimately, unsustainable.

The Architects of Connection

In many relationships, women have become the silent architects of their partners' social lives. Quietly, through dedicated WhatsApp groups and private conversations, they orchestrate get-togethers and ensure that vital connections are maintained. These groups are not just for idle chatter; they are the logistical hubs where addresses are exchanged, weather updates are shared, and all the pertinent details for social events are ironed out.

Husbands and partners are often blissfully unaware of these behind-the-scenes arrangements until they are driving in the vehicle, headed to meet their oldest friends. This proactive management of social calendars is a clear example of mankeeping in action. It is a position frequently taken on rather than assigned, born out of a desire to prevent friendships from fading due to neglect. While men may occasionally organise an outing to a local bar, it is the women who often provide the consistent effort that forms the backbone of these male friendships.

A Modern Name for an Old Habit

‘Mankeeping’ may be a contemporary term, but the habit it describes is steeped in history. The term, introduced in 2024 by Stanford University's Angelica Puzio Ferrara, a postdoctoral fellow, defines the emotional work women in partnerships with men take on. They start to function as their partner's confidante, their unofficial therapist, and the director of their social calendar. This is not a new phenomenon. Traditionally, women have been the coordinators of the domestic social sphere, the ones who remember birthdays, send cards, and maintain familial and social ties.

However, giving this dynamic a name has struck a chord with many women who have long sensed the pressure from this unspoken responsibility. It has provided a framework for understanding the exhaustion and burnout that can result from being the sole emotional anchor in a relationship. The term has resonated so strongly that it has prompted some women to reconsider dating altogether, unwilling to take on this additional role.

The Shrinking World of Male Friendship

The rise of ‘mankeeping’ is inextricably linked to a concerning trend: the decline of male friendships. Research shows that men do not tend to open up about their emotional troubles as much as women do. A survey in the UK found that one in ten men report a lack of intimate companions, a figure that rises to 15% for men aged between 55 and 64. This 'friendship recession' means that many men lack a robust support network outside of their romantic relationships.

Consequently, the weight of their feelings, which would traditionally be shared among friends, now lands on the women in their lives. This imbalance is not necessarily a conscious choice but rather a product of societal norms that have historically discouraged men from expressing vulnerability and seeking emotional support from their peers. The consequences of this emotional isolation are significant, not just for men's own mental health but also for the health and longevity of their romantic relationships.

The Unofficial Therapist

Among the most demanding aspects of mankeeping is the role of the unofficial therapist. Women often find themselves as the primary, and sometimes only, outlet for their partner's stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil. They are expected to listen, to offer advice, and to soothe their partner's moods, all while managing their own emotional well-being. This constant emotional support can be draining, particularly when it is not reciprocated. The dynamic can create a one-sided intimacy, where the woman becomes the emotional caretaker of the relationship.

While emotional support is a natural part of any healthy partnership, the issue arises when the support flows predominantly in one direction. This imbalance can lead to feelings of resentment and burnout, as the woman's own emotional needs are pushed to the side. This kind of unseen work involved in being a partner’s sole confidante is often unrecognised and unacknowledged, yet it is a significant contributor to the exhaustion many women feel.

The Social Director

Beyond emotional support, ‘mankeeping’ also involves assuming the position of the social director. Women are often the ones who plan social events, from casual get-togethers with friends to family gatherings. They take on the responsibility of organising dates, sending invitations, and coordinating logistics. It is a position that a woman, Eilidh Dorgan, found herself assuming in her own marriage. She never explicitly agreed to act as the primary manager for their social life; she slipped into the position, thinking it was a necessary part of being a wife.

When she felt that meet-ups with friends and family were not happening regularly enough, she took it upon herself to make them happen. Similar to observing a small child fumbling with their clothes, her impatience got the better of her, and she stepped in, believing her methods to be a better way. An internal alarm would go off every ten weeks, reminding her that planning was necessary, which eventually led to the creation of a 'wives' group' to manage the social lives of her husband and his friends.

A System Under Strain

Over several years, this system of female-led social planning worked well. Contacting the corresponding woman to get her respective man organised proved to be an effective strategy. However, a relocation to Bedford from London revealed the fragility of this arrangement. Suddenly, the well-oiled machine began to stutter and stall. Attempts to organise get-togethers with her husband's Winchester-based family became a source of immense frustration.

It was unclear what had changed, but it seemed as though some family members were no longer capable of scheduling, had developed a sudden aversion to them, or were simply unable to communicate their unwillingness to travel. The result was a nine-month-long saga of cancelled plans and flimsy excuses. Dates would be confirmed, but the plans would be called off at the last minute with reasons ranging from an exploded car to the recent adoption of a cat and the subsequent inability to find a cat-sitter for a ten-hour period.

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The Breaking Point

The constant cancellations and lack of clear communication began to take their toll. The final straw came when one planned visit was seemingly cancelled without any direct communication. Instead, an invitation for a birthday celebration scheduled for the same day served as an unspoken cancellation. This was the moment when the strain became unbearable, pushing Dorgan to the brink of a mental breakdown. The constant rejection and the feeling of being personally slighted became all-consuming. Dinners were dominated by her attempts to psychoanalyse the situation, dissecting every cancellation and attempting to identify the moment it all went wrong. Her husband, sensing the futility of the situation, largely left her to her tormented analysis, offering only occasional suggestions. The once-efficient social planner had become obsessed, trapped in a cycle of frustration and wounded pride.

The Perils of Assumption

The experience forced a moment of reflection. The stress and anxiety were not just about the cancelled plans; they were about the assumed responsibility for a situation that was never hers to carry alone. She had taken on the 'mankeeper' role without being asked, driven by a belief that it was a necessary and expected part of her role as a wife. This assumption, it turned out, was the source of her undoing. The realisation that her efforts were not only unnecessary but potentially aggravating the situation was a difficult but crucial one. Her attempts to manage her husband's social and familial relationships had become a source of personal turmoil, affecting her own mental well-being. The once-satisfying role of the efficient organiser had transformed into a burden, one that was no longer sustainable.

A Necessary Abdication

The turning point came with the realisation that she needed to step back. The constant stress, the overthinking, and the feeling of being personally wounded by a situation that probably was not about her were clear signs that she had overextended. The moment arrived to hand back the responsibility for organising family get-togethers to her husband. The decision to relinquish her social planner role brought an almost immediate sense of relief. The obsession and the frustration evaporated, replaced by a sense of calm. Accepting that this was not a puzzle for her to assemble, or a mystery she needed to unravel, brought a sense of freedom. There was an acknowledgement that her husband was perfectly capable of handling his personal schedule and that her intervention was not only unnecessary but also detrimental to her own peace of mind.

Redefining Roles and Responsibilities

While the 'wives' chat' still exists, and she continues to participate in the planning of social events and get-togethers with companions, the dynamic has shifted. The responsibility for organising meetings with his relatives now rests solely with her husband. This shift has not only relieved her of a significant emotional burden but has also allowed for a more balanced and healthy dynamic in their relationship. The experience serves as a powerful reminder that assumed roles and unspoken expectations can be just as damaging as explicit demands. It highlights the importance of open communication and a clear division of emotional and practical labour in a partnership. It is a lesson in letting go, in trusting a partner's capabilities, and in recognising that some burdens are not ours to carry.

The Path to a More Balanced Partnership

The concept of 'mankeeping' has sparked a much-needed conversation about the unequal distribution of emotional labour in relationships. It has given a name to a phenomenon that has long been felt but rarely articulated. The solution is not for women to simply abandon their partners' emotional needs, but for men to take a more active role in managing their own emotional well-being and social connections. This means building and maintaining their own support networks, taking the initiative in planning social events, and learning to communicate their emotional needs effectively. For women, it means setting boundaries, resisting the urge to take over, and trusting their partners to manage their own lives. The goal is not to create a world where partners are emotionally independent of each other, but one where emotional support is a two-way street, a shared responsibility rather than a one-sided burden.

Building a Future of 'Eachkeeping'

The conversation around 'mankeeping' is not about placing blame, but about fostering awareness and promoting change. It is about moving away from a model of 'mankeeping' and towards a model of 'eachkeeping', where both partners are equally invested in the emotional and social health of the relationship. This requires a conscious effort from both men and women to challenge traditional gender roles and to create a more equitable partnership.

It means men taking the initiative to reach out to their friends, to plan dates, and to engage in the emotional work of maintaining a relationship. It means women learning to step back, to delegate, and to trust their partners to take charge. It is a journey that requires patience, communication, and a shared commitment to building a relationship based on mutual respect and shared responsibility. The ultimate goal is a partnership where both individuals feel supported, valued, and equally invested in their shared life.