Parenting: Neontocracy Hurts Our Children

The Tyranny of Tiny Tears: Why We Must Restore Moral Authority in Parenting

In his famous autobiography, Confessions, the theologian Augustine reflects deeply on his early years. He describes a specific memory that continues to resonate with readers centuries later. As a boy, he raided a neighbour's tree and stripped it of its fruit. He stole a massive load of pears. Hunger did not drive this action. He had better food waiting for him at home. He simply desired the thrill of breaking a rule. He wanted to enjoy the transgression itself. He later threw the spoils to the pigs rather than eating them. This story illustrates a dark truth about human nature. Even young people harbour an impulse for chaos. They do not always act out of need. Sometimes, they act purely to defy boundaries.

The Reality of Youthful Mischief

Augustine admits to other misdeeds during his youth. He cheated in games to ensure he secured a victory. He threw screaming fits when his caregivers refused to satisfy his every whim. Most adults can recall similar moments from their own pasts. Children frequently destroy property. They act selfishly. They scream when they fail to get their way. These actions are normal parts of growing up. However, society in the past viewed these behaviours through a moral lens. People understood that children needed guidance to overcome these impulses. The modern world takes a very different approach. We now hesitate to label these actions as bad. We fear that calling a child greedy or mean might damage them.

A New Social Hierarchy

Anthropologist David Lancy recently introduced a new term to explain the modern Western mindset regarding the young. He calls it a “neontocracy”. This concept describes a society that values its newest members above all others. Lancy argues that this perspective exists exclusively in the wealthy, democratic West. Most cultures throughout history operated as gerontocracies. Elders held the power and commanded respect. The West has inverted this pyramid entirely. Children now occupy the highest position in the social order. Adults treat them as a separate, superior species. This shift fundamentally changes how parents interact with their offspring. We now organise our lives around their desires rather than integrating them into ours.

The Child as a Sacred Idol

Citizens of a neontocracy treat the child as a sacred being. Parents shield toddlers against the critique of elders. They protect them from all forms of judgment. You see this attitude reflected in popular slogans. People say “no two kids are alike” to deflect potential scrutiny. This mantra often serves as a coded warning to others. It implies that no one should judge the parent or the child. Current movements focusing on child autonomy take this philosophy to the extreme. They encourage adults to follow the child’s lead. Parents avoid fixing bad habits. They fear that intervention might stifle the child’s unique spirit. This leaves the child without a necessary compass to navigate the world.

The Anthropology of the West

Lancy’s research highlights how strange this behaviour looks to the rest of the world. Scientists study childhood across diverse cultures. They find that most societies treat children as apprentices. Young people must learn to fit into the adult world. They do not set the agenda. Village communities expect children to contribute. They do not organise their entire lives around the child’s mood. The “WEIRD” societies—Western, Educated, Industrialised, Rich, and Democratic—stand alone in their obsession with the child’s emotional comfort. This obsession has consequences. It creates a vacuum of authority. When adults step back, children feel unsafe because no one is steering the ship.

Biology as an Excuse

Parents today often view emotions through a strictly physiological lens. They see a tantrum as a discharge of stress rather than a behavioural issue. This perspective strips moral meaning from the child's actions. New theories focusing on brain development exemplify this trend. Proponents argue that a toddler’s brain lacks the wiring for self-control. Therefore, adults must not anticipate good behaviour. They view a screaming child in a supermarket as a victim of biology. The child suffers from a “neurological overflow”. This medical view absolves the child of responsibility. It also absolves the parent of the duty to discipline. We treat the child like a machine with a broken part rather than a person.

The Narrator in the Living Room

Modern advice literature urges parents to act like sportscasters. They must narrate the child’s experience without judgment. A parent might say, “You feel immense rage at this moment,” while the child kicks the furniture. You hear this script repeated endlessly on playgrounds. The parent acts like a therapist or a narrator of a nature film. They observe the chaos but refuse to stop it. This approach aims to validate feelings. However, it often ignores the context of those feelings. It treats the emotion as a standalone event. It fails to address why the emotion occurred or whether it is justified. The child learns that their feelings are supreme facts that require no management.

The Link Between Feeling and Fact

This refusal to judge ignores the link between feeling and understanding. Human emotions are not just bodily spasms. They contain meaning. We feel fear because we see a threat. We feel disappointment because reality failed to meet our expectations. We feel jealousy because we view the other as a competitor. Emotions always refer to something in the world. A parent who only mirrors the feeling misses the point. They fail to help the child grasp the context. Telling a toddler “you are sad” teaches them a label. It does not teach them how to handle the disappointment of not getting a sweet. We must connect the feeling to the reality that caused it.

Bion’s Theory of Thinking

Wilfred Bion, a British psychoanalyst, offered a profound insight into how we learn to think. He published Learning from Experience in 1962. Bion described a process he called the “alpha-function”. He believed that babies start with unprocessed sensory data. He called these “beta-elements”. These are chaotic, terrifying, and meaningless sensations. The infant cannot process them alone. The parent must step in. The mother or father takes these raw feelings and digests them. They use their own mind to transform the beta-elements into “alpha-elements”. This mental alchemy turns terror into understanding. It turns a physical scream into a coherent thought.

The Alchemy of the Mind

This transformation is the root of thought. The parent understands the baby’s cry. They respond with meaning. They turn a raw sensation of hunger or pain into a meaningful concept. The baby learns that their distress is manageable. They internalise this function over time. This process builds the child's capacity for reason. It allows them to handle tough feelings in the future. Bion viewed this as the origin of mental stability. We do not develop this skill in isolation. We learn it through the relationship with a caregiver who acts as a container for our anxiety. Without this containment, the child remains trapped in a world of scary sensations.

Language as Initiation

Parents perform this function primarily through speech. We talk to babies long before they understand words. We explain the world to them. We do not stay silent because they cannot speak back. We initiate them into the world of language. We should treat moral understanding the same way. We must initiate children into the world of values. We should not hesitate to distinguish between virtuous and wicked behaviour. A child needs to know that hitting a playmate is wrong. They need to understand that their anger does not give them the right to hurt others. We must give them the words to understand ethics just as we give them words to name objects.

Constructing a Moral Compass

Recent research in developmental psychology supports this active role. The constructivist view suggests that toddlers build their moral understanding through interaction. They do not simply download rules. They construct a sense of fairness and justice by engaging with others. Social interaction provides the raw material for this construction. A parent who remains neutral deprives the child of essential data. The child needs to know how their actions affect others. They need to see that their behaviour has consequences. This feedback loop allows them to develop a robust moral compass. If we hide our reactions, we hide the truth of the world from them.

The Danger of Neutrality

The notion that a parent can stay neutral is naive. It is also dangerous. A child raised without guidance will not automatically find the right path. They may remain stuck in the realm of raw impulse. Augustine’s story serves as a warning. The impulse to do wrong exists in everyone. It does not disappear simply because we ignore it. Parents who refuse to judge leave their children at the mercy of their own whims. They fail to provide the structure that a developing mind desperately needs. Neutrality is actually a form of neglect. It leaves the child alone with their worst impulses.

A Vision for the Future

Parents must ask themselves a difficult question. Who do they want their child to become? This question requires a vision. It requires a set of values. You cannot parent effectively if you only react to the present moment. You need a goal. You need to know what type of human you wish to build. Without this vision, you will simply chase the latest trend. You will follow the child’s shifting moods. You will become a servant to a tiny tyrant. True parenting involves leadership. It involves guiding the child toward a better version of themselves. We must have the courage to shape their character.

Navigating Modern Parenting Traps

This modern approach places an immense burden on parents. The neontocracy demands perfection. It requires constant attention and validation. Parents feel exhausted. They feel like they must constantly perform. They fear that one wrong word will damage their child forever. This anxiety is counterproductive. It creates a tense atmosphere. It prevents the parent from acting with confidence. A parent who is afraid of their child cannot lead them. The child senses this hesitation. They feel unsafe when the adult in the room lacks authority. We must reject the idea that our children are fragile glass ornaments. They are resilient learners who need strong guides.

Reclaiming Common Sense

We need to reclaim a balanced view of childhood. Children are not separate species. They are human beings in training. They possess the same flaws and potential as adults. They need love, but they also need limits. They need understanding, but they also need correction. Augustine understood this centuries ago. He knew that the human heart is complex. It is capable of great good and great mischief. Parenting requires us to acknowledge both sides. We must nurture the good and correct the bad. We must stop treating every negative emotion as a crisis that requires professional intervention. Sometimes, a child just needs to be told "no."

The Role of Community

The isolation of the modern family exacerbates these issues. The neontocracy flourishes in the nuclear family. Parents have fewer voices to guide them. They rely on books and social media gurus. In the past, the extended family played a larger role. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles provided a chorus of authority. They offered a broader perspective. They helped to dilute the intensity of the parent-child bond. Reconnecting with a wider community can help. It can provide a reality check. It can remind parents that they are not alone. It exposes the child to different authorities and different rules, which expands their understanding of the world.

Restoring Adult Authority

Society must restore the status of adulthood. We must stop apologising for being in charge. Children need strong leaders. They flourish when they know the boundaries. They feel secure when an adult takes the helm. This does not mean returning to harshness. It does not mean abandoning empathy. It means combining warmth with firmness. It means interpreting the world for the child, not just narrating their stress. It means teaching them that their feelings are valid, but their actions must be responsible. We must be the captains of the ship, not the passengers.

The Necessity of Frustration

We must also reconsider the role of frustration. The neontocracy seeks to eliminate all distress. It views unhappiness as a failure of parenting. But frustration is a vital teacher. Bion argued that we learn to think only when we face frustration. If every need is met instantly, we never develop the capacity to process desire. We never learn to wait. We never learn to cope. A child who never faces disappointment will never grow up. Parents must allow their children to struggle. They must let them experience the consequences of their actions. Frustration is the engine of development.

The Long Game

The journey from infancy to adulthood is long. It requires patience and wisdom. We cannot rely on biology alone to do the work. We cannot expect moral understanding to magically emerge. We must build it. We must use our minds to help our children build theirs. We must transform their chaotic physical sensations into coherent concepts. We must guide them away from the chaos of impulse and toward the clarity of reason. This is the true task of parenting. It is not just about keeping them happy. It is about helping them become fully human.

The Fallacy of Gentle Parenting Labels

The label "gentle parenting" often misleads well-meaning adults. It suggests that any form of firmness equates to violence. This linguistic trap creates a false dichotomy. Parents believe they must choose between being a tyrant or being a doormat. They conflate authority with abuse. This confusion serves no one. True gentleness involves strength. It involves the courage to say no. A parent who cannot withstand a toddler's anger is not being gentle. They are being avoidant. They are prioritising their own comfort over the child's long-term needs. We must redefine gentleness to include the strength to set boundaries.

Parental Burnout

The demand to constantly validate every emotion exhausts parents. They spend hours negotiating over minor issues. They debate with three-year-olds about putting on shoes. They treat routine tasks as diplomatic summits. This approach drains the joy from family life. It turns the home into a battleground of wills. The parent burns out. The child becomes anxious. A distinct hierarchy actually reduces stress. When the parent is clearly in charge, the child does not have to constantly test the boundaries. They can relax. We need to stop negotiating and start leading.

The Happiness Trap

Many parents today believe their primary job is to ensure their child is always happy. This is a trap. Happiness is a fleeting emotion. It is not a permanent state. Pursuing constant happiness leads to fragility. The child learns to fear sadness. They view any negative emotion as a crisis. A robust upbringing teaches a child to weather storms. It teaches them that sadness is a part of life. It teaches them that they can survive disappointment. This resilience matters more than temporary contentment. We must teach them to sit with discomfort rather than trying to fix it immediately.

Learning Through Conflict

Conflict serves as a crucial classroom for moral development. Toddlers learn about fairness when they fight over a toy. They learn about pain when they accidentally hurt a friend. These moments are opportunities. The parent should not just distract the child. They should not just smooth things over. They should use the conflict to teach. They should explain why grabbing is wrong. They should ask the child to look at their friend's face. This active mediation builds moral intelligence. We must step into the messiness of conflict rather than trying to avoid it.

Cultivating Empathy

Empathy does not appear out of thin air. It grows through practice. Parents cultivate empathy by pointing out the feelings of others. They direct the child's attention outward. The neontocracy tends to focus the child's attention inward. It asks, "How do you feel?" instead of "How did that make your friend feel?" This shift in focus is vital. It moves the child from self-centredness to community awareness. It helps them understand that other people are real. We must encourage them to look beyond their own immediate desires.

Living Your Values

Values must be woven into daily life. They cannot be reserved for special occasions. Every interaction holds a moral dimension. The way we speak to shop assistants teaches respect. The way we handle mistakes teaches honesty. The way we share food teaches generosity. Parents model these values constantly. But they must also articulate them. They must give words to these actions. They must help the child connect the dots between the action and the value. We must narrate the moral world, not just the emotional one.

Resisting Peer Pressure

Resisting the neontocracy requires courage. It requires swimming against the cultural tide. Other parents may judge you. They may look askance when you deny your child a treat. They may whisper when you enforce a rule. You must be prepared for this pressure. You must trust your own vision. You must remember that you are playing the long game. You are not raising a child for the approval of strangers. You are raising a future adult. You must be willing to be the odd one out for the sake of your child's character.

Rediscovering Ancient Wisdom

We can look to the past for guidance. We do not need to repeat the mistakes of history, but we can learn from its wisdom. Ancient philosophers like Augustine understood the human condition. They knew that we are prone to error. They knew that we need guidance. Psychoanalysts like Bion understood the mind. They knew that thinking requires containment. Anthropologists like Lancy understand culture. They show us that our current obsession is an anomaly. We can draw on these sources to build a better approach. We are not the first generation to raise children.

The Goal of Independence

The ultimate goal of parenting is to make oneself unnecessary. We raise children so that they can eventually leave us. We want them to stand on their own two feet. We want them to make good decisions when we are not there. This requires us to equip them with tools. We must give them the capacity for reason. We must give them a moral compass. We must give them the strength to handle their own emotions. If we do this, we have succeeded. We must keep our eyes on the horizon of adulthood.

The Psychological Roots of Discipline

The word discipline comes from the Latin word for teaching. It does not mean punishment. It means instruction. True discipline guides the learner. It corrects errors. It shows the right way. Modern parents often fear the word. They associate it with pain. We must reclaim the true meaning. Discipline is an act of love. It is the effort we make to teach our children how to live in the world. It requires consistency. It requires patience. It is far harder than simply giving in. It is the daily work of shaping a soul.

Shaping the Brain

The child's mind is under construction. It is pliable. It forms connections based on experience. Repeated experiences become habits of mind. If a child learns that screaming brings rewards, they will scream more. If they learn that calm communication solves problems, they will communicate. The parent shapes the architecture of the child's brain. Every response strengthens a pathway. We are not just watching the brain develop. We are actively shaping it. We must be mindful of the patterns we are reinforcing every day.

Bion’s Lasting Legacy

Bion's concept of the alpha-function remains a powerful tool. It reminds us that our minds are connected. We are not isolated islands. We need each other to think. The parent lends their mind to the child. They perform the thinking that the child cannot yet do. Slowly, the child takes over this function. They learn to digest their own experiences. They become independent thinkers. This transfer of responsibility is the essence of growing up. We start by thinking for them, so that they can eventually think for themselves.

Beyond the Trends

Parenting trends come and go. The neontocracy may eventually fade. New theories will emerge. But the fundamental needs of the child remain the same. They need safety. They need love. They need guidance. They need to understand their own hearts. Parents who focus on these fundamentals will weather any cultural storm. They will raise children who are grounded. They will raise children who are capable of navigating a complex world. We must anchor ourselves in these timeless truths.

The Lesson of the Pears

We return to the image of the pear tree. Augustine's theft reminds us of the complexity of the human soul. We are not simple machines. We are not just biological systems. We are moral beings. We struggle with desire. We seek meaning. We want to be virtuous, but we often fail. Recognizing this complexity is the first step in raising a child. We must accept them as they are, flaws and all. And then we must help them grow. We must love them enough to correct them.

The Final Charge

The task of raising a child is the most important work in society. It shapes the future. It determines the kind of world we will live in. We cannot afford to leave it to chance. We cannot afford to follow a flawed philosophy. We must be intentional. We must be brave. We must be willing to judge, to guide, and to love with our eyes open. We must dismantle the neontocracy and restore a sane, balanced, and moral approach to childhood. The future depends on it.