Communication and Emotional Support in Romantic Partnerships
The Bedmate or the Best Mate: Navigating the Friend-or-Foe Question in Relationships
When discussing her marriage, Stephanie Lopez speaks highly of her husband. She admires his strong moral compass, his compassionate nature, and his deep integrity. Moreover, she acknowledges his parenting skills and the respect he shows her. Even so, when asked if she considers him her closest friend, she is quick to say no.
Lopez, who is 43 and lives on the Big Island, draws a firm line between friendship and marriage. She believes that romantic relationships involve unique dynamics that are absent from friendships. For example, they include physical intimacy and shared financial obligations. In her view, introducing these elements would fundamentally alter typical friendship dynamics.
Evolving Expectations: A Modern Dilemma
Modern culture, from social media platforms to greeting cards, often pushes the idea that life partners should be one’s ultimate confidant. Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and host of the podcast "Reimagining Love," points out that this expectation goes beyond traditional roles of spouse, co-parent, or lover. Nevertheless, she observes that people naturally seek similar qualities – understanding and validation – in both romantic partnerships and close friendships.
Therefore, the question remains: is expecting one's partner to also be one's best friend an unreasonable demand, or does it represent the deepest possible connection? This expectation is quite different from how relationships evolved over time.
Jennifer Santiago, 42, offers a different perspective, as she found her closest friend in her spouse. Their relationship began in their teens. Although they separated occasionally for personal growth, their underlying friendship consistently drew them back together. Living in Orlando, she describes a palpable sense of absence during their time apart, which highlights how intertwined their lives became. Also, it shows how much they valued each other’s presence.
A Historical Perspective on Marriage
According to social psychologist Eli J. Finkel, author of "The All-Or-Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work," this expectation represents a recent development. He outlines three distinct eras in marriage in the United States. Firstly, there was the "pragmatic era" (before 1850s) which focused on basic survival. Secondly, the "love-based era" (1850-1965) emphasised emotional connection and companionship. Thirdly, the current "self-expressive era" combines love with personal development.
Finkel notes that marriage now has the responsibility to fulfill both social and psychological needs. In fact, the expectations placed on marriage are now higher than ever before. Nowadays, people are looking for something that previous generations did not prioritise.
Consequently, these evolving expectations can have a big impact on modern partnerships. The increased pressure might improve relationships, however it could also put a strain on long-term happiness.
The Challenges of Multifaceted Relationships
The tendency to expect romantic partnerships to fulfil numerous roles naturally raises concerns about long-term viability. Finkel suggests that success depends on a relationship's ability to meet these diverse needs. Although he supports those who seek best-friend partnerships, he recommends managing expectations realistically.
He highlights the potential difficulties in simultaneously expecting partners to manage household chores equally, share parenting responsibilities, maintain exclusive physical intimacy, and provide best-friend-level emotional support. Instead of discouraging high expectations, he advocates recognising that each additional requirement creates opportunities for deeper connection but also potentially increases pressure on the relationship.
Furthermore, the modern couple must balance many aspects of their lives in order to thrive. So, it's crucial to understand the potential effects on the relationship and plan accordingly.
Moreover, the Office for National Statistics found that marriages are becoming less common. Indeed, the number of marriages in England and Wales decreased by 6.4% in 2019, compared to 2018. The rate is 18.6 marriages per 1,000 unmarried men and 17.2 marriages per 1,000 unmarried women. It is important to note that the COVID-19 pandemic has further impacted these statistics. The decrease in marriage rate demonstrates the growing reluctance to commit. It also may reflect the increasing expectations and potential strain on modern relationships.
Diversifying Emotional Support Networks
Finkel recommends diversifying one’s emotional support network across multiple friendships and identifying the most important aspects of intimacy. Solomon agrees that friendship enhances long-term intimacy but argues it is not essential. Besides, she suggests that genuinely enjoying one's partner – appreciating their humour, respecting their viewpoints, and enjoying their company – helps navigate difficulties.
Additionally, she shares her own experience. She points out that while she deeply values her 26-year marriage, her childhood friend Ali remains her closest confidant. This insight demonstrates the value of having support beyond one’s romantic connection. It shows, furthermore, that individuals can cultivate deep, fulfilling relationships outside of their marriage.
In fact, research shows that people with varied social connections report higher levels of happiness and satisfaction. So, while the idea of a partner as a best friend is appealing, it shouldn't be considered an absolute requirement.
The Core Elements of Enduring Partnerships
Adam Fisher, who leads the American Psychological Association's couple and family psychology division, highlights that successful relationships require some binding element. Whether shared commitments, values, physical intimacy, or financial partnership, friendship does not need to be one of them.
Conversely, Lopez insists on keeping her best friendships separate from her partnership. She argues against placing excessive expectations and duties on romantic relationships. For her, maintaining distinct boundaries keeps the partnership healthy and prevents it from being overburdened.
Also, she feels that the pressure to fulfil every possible need might affect the relationship in a negative way. Moreover, her viewpoint illustrates the need to approach relationships with realistic expectations. This allows room for both individual and mutual development.
Defining Friendship: A Matter of Perspective
The discussion surrounding friendship within romantic relationships often comes down to defining "friendship" itself. What qualities constitute a true friendship, and are these qualities necessarily compatible with the dynamics of a romantic connection? After all, friendships usually evolve from shared interests and mutual respect.
Furthermore, they involve a level of emotional support and understanding. In fact, these attributes are undoubtedly valuable in any partnership. Therefore, the question becomes whether these qualities must be concentrated solely within the romantic relationship.
Alternatively, these qualities can be cultivated in a wider network of friendships. Studies have shown that individuals who maintain strong friendships outside of their romantic relationships experience lower levels of loneliness and greater overall well-being. Also, these external bonds can serve as valuable sources of support and perspective, particularly during times of conflict or stress within the relationship.
The Risk of Over-Reliance
Depending solely on a romantic partner for all social and emotional needs can create a sense of over-reliance. Over time, this dependence may stifle individual growth and lead to feelings of resentment or suffocation within the relationship. Moreover, it may place undue pressure on one person to fulfil every role, which is an impossible undertaking.
In addition, if a romantic partner also acts as a best friend, the lines between these roles can blur. Eventually, this can create confusion and a sense of imbalance within the relationship. For example, an individual may find it difficult to express certain needs or vulnerabilities to their partner. They may worry it will compromise the romantic dynamic.
Consequently, maintaining separate friendships can provide a safe space for individuals to explore their identities. Also, it will provide them support outside the confines of the partnership.
The Benefits of Shared Friendship
Conversely, some argue that a strong foundation of friendship is essential for a thriving romantic relationship. Sharing common interests, enjoying each other’s company, and providing emotional support can deepen the bond between partners. Moreover, it creates a sense of camaraderie and shared purpose.
To illustrate, consider a couple who share a passion for hiking. Their shared activity provides them with opportunities to connect outside of their daily responsibilities. Likewise, they can encourage each other's personal growth and development.
Moreover, research suggests that couples who engage in shared activities report higher levels of relationship satisfaction. For example, data from the Pew Research Centre shows that 64% of married adults say having shared hobbies and interests is very important to a successful marriage.
Therefore, while the concept of a "best friend" may be subjective, incorporating elements of friendship into a romantic relationship can have positive outcomes.
Finding the Right Balance
Ultimately, the ideal balance between friendship and romance depends on the individual needs and preferences of each partner. Some couples may thrive on a deep sense of intertwined companionship, while others may prefer to maintain distinct social circles. Therefore, open communication and mutual respect are essential for navigating these dynamics successfully.
Communication: The Key to Navigating Expectations
Open and honest communication forms the bedrock of any successful relationship, irrespective of the role friendship plays. In order to determine whether a best-friend connection is realistic and desirable, couples need to discuss their expectations, needs, and boundaries. Indeed, a clear understanding of each other's perspectives allows for a more harmonious and fulfilling partnership.
Furthermore, the conversation should include defining what "friendship" means to each individual. For one person, it may involve frequent communication and shared activities. Conversely, for another, it may mean providing emotional support and understanding without necessarily requiring constant interaction.
Additionally, couples should consider their individual needs for independence and social connection outside of the relationship. Some may feel completely fulfilled relying solely on their partner for companionship. Others may crave the diverse perspectives and experiences that come from maintaining separate friendships.
Moreover, it is critical to revisit these conversations periodically, as needs and preferences can evolve over time.
Recognising the Signs of Imbalance
Couples must also be vigilant in recognising signs of imbalance within the relationship. For example, one partner may feel neglected if the other prioritises outside friendships. Conversely, one partner may feel stifled if they perceive a lack of personal space.
Indeed, these tensions can manifest in various ways. For example, increased arguments, decreased intimacy, or feelings of resentment. Also, by addressing these issues promptly and honestly, couples can prevent them from escalating into larger problems.
Furthermore, seeking professional guidance from a therapist or counsellor can be beneficial in navigating these challenges. Also, a trained professional can provide unbiased support and strategies for improving communication and resolving conflict.
The Role of Shared Values and Goals
While friendship may not be essential, shared values and goals undoubtedly contribute to a strong and lasting partnership. When couples share a common vision for the future, they are better equipped to navigate challenges and support each other's growth. Indeed, this shared sense of purpose provides a sense of stability and unity within the relationship.
Also, shared values can encompass a wide range of areas, including financial priorities, parenting styles, career aspirations, and spiritual beliefs. Furthermore, aligning on these core principles creates a solid foundation for building a life together.
Conversely, significant discrepancies in values can lead to conflict and dissatisfaction over time. For example, if one partner prioritises career advancement while the other values family time, this can create tension and resentment.
Therefore, before committing to a long-term relationship, it's essential to have open and honest conversations about these fundamental values and goals.
Adaptability and Growth
Ultimately, the success of any relationship depends on the willingness of both partners to adapt and grow. As individuals evolve and change over time, the relationship must also evolve to accommodate these shifts. Indeed, this requires flexibility, understanding, and a commitment to working together through challenges.
Furthermore, couples who embrace change and view challenges as opportunities for growth are more likely to thrive in the long run. Also, this adaptability includes being open to exploring new interests, developing new skills, and adapting to changing roles and responsibilities within the relationship.
Moreover, maintaining a sense of humour and a willingness to laugh together can help couples navigate difficult times and maintain a positive outlook.
Prioritising Quality Time and Intimacy
Regardless of whether a couple considers themselves best friends, prioritising quality time and intimacy is crucial for maintaining a strong connection. This means dedicating focused attention to each other, free from distractions, on a regular basis. Indeed, this can involve anything from sharing a meal together to engaging in a shared hobby to simply cuddling on the sofa.
Furthermore, quality time is not just about quantity; it's about the quality of the interaction. This means being fully present and engaged with your partner, listening attentively, and showing genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings. Also, these moments of connection can strengthen the bond between partners and foster a sense of intimacy.
Moreover, intimacy encompasses more than just physical intimacy; it also includes emotional, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy. Indeed, couples who can connect on multiple levels are more likely to experience a deep and fulfilling relationship.
In addition, planning regular date nights or weekend getaways can help couples escape the routine of daily life and rekindle their romance. Furthermore, engaging in new and exciting experiences together can create lasting memories and strengthen their bond.
Cultivating Individual Interests and Identities
While it's important to spend quality time together, it's equally important for each partner to cultivate their individual interests and identities. This means pursuing hobbies, spending time with friends, and engaging in activities that bring them joy and fulfillment. Indeed, maintaining a sense of individuality can prevent feelings of codependency and foster a healthier relationship.
Furthermore, having separate interests can also bring new perspectives and experiences into the relationship. Also, this can create opportunities for stimulating conversations and shared growth.
Moreover, supporting each other's individual pursuits demonstrates respect and appreciation for each other's unique qualities. Indeed, this can strengthen the bond between partners and foster a sense of mutual admiration.
In fact, research suggests that couples who maintain separate interests report higher levels of overall happiness and satisfaction in their relationships.
Embracing Imperfection and Forgiveness
No relationship is perfect, and every couple will inevitably encounter challenges and disagreements. Indeed, the key to navigating these challenges successfully is to embrace imperfection and practice forgiveness. This means accepting that your partner will make mistakes and learning to forgive them with grace and compassion.
Furthermore, holding onto resentment and anger can poison the relationship and erode trust. Also, letting go of these negative emotions allows couples to move forward and rebuild their connection.
Moreover, seeking professional guidance from a therapist or counsellor can be beneficial in navigating difficult issues and developing effective coping mechanisms.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the question of whether romantic partners should also be best friends is a complex one with no easy answer. While a strong foundation of friendship can undoubtedly enhance a relationship, it is not necessarily essential for success. Ultimately, the ideal balance between friendship and romance depends on the individual needs and preferences of each partner. Open communication, mutual respect, shared values, and a willingness to adapt and grow are all crucial ingredients for a lasting and fulfilling partnership. Therefore, whether you consider your partner your best friend or simply a cherished companion, prioritising quality time, intimacy, and individual growth will help you build a relationship that thrives for years to come. Rather than focusing on a single ideal, creating the right dynamic is more important and will bring greater happiness.
