Therapist Advice on Insults

How to Handle Insults: Therapists Share Their Strategies 

It's a familiar experience; someone throws an insult your way and suddenly, all your clever retorts vanish into thin air. This isn't just a personal quirk – there's a scientific reason behind the struggle to respond. Kerry McBroome, a Brooklyn-based psychologist, explains: "When we face hurtful, offensive comments – especially ones that target us or our loved ones – our nervous system kicks into overdrive. It becomes a threat response, shutting down the areas of our brain that would normally think up a witty comeback." 

This highlights why it can be incredibly helpful to have some responses prepared. "Having a plan in place can restore your sense of control and even boost your confidence," McBroome adds. 

We've consulted several therapists to get their favorite conversational tactics for handling insults. These strategies aim to either facilitate a more constructive conversation or firmly end a disrespectful exchange. 

"That's an interesting choice of words..." 

Ajita Robinson, a therapist based in Bethesda, Maryland, has a clever way to handle those moments when someone makes a surprising, potentially insensitive comment. Rather than reacting strongly, she calmly responds with, "That's an interesting choice of words..." This works a bit like the sports term 'flag on the play' – it calls attention to the statement without direct confrontation. Robinson says, "People often respond by asking me what I mean, which opens up a chance for dialogue." 

One of Robinson's clients recently used this tactic on a date, indicating her discomfort with the man's overly suggestive remarks. "It was a clever way to communicate her boundaries without getting into an argument," Robinson notes. 

"I appreciate the concern, but I'm not open to feedback right now." 

It seems inevitable that someone, whether well-intentioned or not, will offer unsolicited advice on a topic they know nothing about. Robinson suggests a polite deflection: "I appreciate the concern, but I'm not open to feedback on [topic] right now." This approach respects the potential good intentions while clearly marking a boundary. It's a gentle reminder that while the advice might be well-meaning, it is neither wanted nor appropriate. 

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"Are you feeling alright?" 

Melanie Williams, a Baltimore-based psychotherapist, finds this simple question extremely effective. Imagine a scenario where a colleague makes an unnecessarily offensive comment. Rather than express your shock or anger, turn the tables and respond with sincere concern: "Are you feeling alright?" If they seem puzzled, add a follow-up line: "Just checking, because that comment was out of line." 

This strategy immediately shifts the spotlight to their inappropriate behavior and gives them a moment to reflect. You've effectively highlighted the issue without directly criticizing or accusing, leaving space for them to potentially rethink their words. 

"Could you repeat that? I want to make sure I understand." 

This tactic, recommended by Los Angeles-based therapist Amanda Stemen, is especially effective in group settings or when an insult is muttered under someone's breath. "Often, people who say hurtful things do so on impulse, not fully considering the consequences," says Stemen. Forcing them to repeat the offensive statement – even if you heard them perfectly – gives them a chance to reconsider their words. "They might notice the other people around and become hesitant to repeat the insult, realizing the potential for social shame," she adds. 

"What a surprising thing to say out loud." 

McBroome recommends this response for those moments when someone says something prejudiced or insensitive. Smiling and saying brightly, "What a surprising thing to say out loud" can catch them unexpectedly. "It completely disrupts their expectation of how you'd react," she explains. This lighthearted yet pointed comment can encourage people to examine their words, questioning previously unchallenged biases. 

"What did you mean by that comment?" 

Jessica Good, a therapist from St. Louis, believes this response has both practical and therapeutic value. She suggests using it with those who habitually insult others, like overly critical family members or backhanded coworkers. "This turns their passive aggression into an open conversation," she says. It puts the focus on them, making them explain the intention behind their cutting remarks. 

At best, this might create space for genuine reflection. At the very least, they're made aware that they can't get away with such behaviour, as you'll call them on it. Good recommends delivering this question with a confident tone of voice and direct eye contact to ensure your message lands with impact. 

"I understand you might feel threatened by a strong woman, but..." 

This bold retort comes courtesy of Kaytee Gillis, a psychotherapist based in Lansing, Michigan. Gillis used this line during a holiday gathering when a male relative tried to 'mansplain' a mental health diagnosis to her – despite her being the expert in the room. She advises adding your rebuttal after that "but". For example, if challenged on your professional experience, you could counter with "I understand you might feel threatened by a strong woman, but this is my field of expertise." 

Gillis notes that you can adjust the "strong woman" part to reflect the specific situation. "Based on my experience, this assertively shuts down these conversations," she says. It can serve as a gentle reminder to be respectful or, delivered with a firmer tone, can swiftly put someone in their place. 

"It's interesting that you feel comfortable saying that to me." 

Kristen Suleman, a Houston-based therapist, suggests using this line when someone makes an offensive comment targeting a broader group – something rooted in racism, sexism, or homophobia, for example. "It directly questions their behavior in a way they probably weren't prepared for," she says. This response is effective because it's factual and maintains a respectful tone. 

While your curiosity about their offensive comment may be genuine, this statement effectively opens a dialogue about why they felt entitled to make such a statement. Suleman advises speaking with a calm, genuinely curious tone of voice for maximum impact. 

"You really should come with a warning label!" 

There are those relatives or friends who just can't stop bringing up inappropriate topics. Your cousin who insists on debating politics at a child's birthday party, or the friend whose sense of humour frequently crosses the line. In these situations, Gillis often goes for a humorous approach: "You really should come with a warning label!" She's found this tactic often diffuses a tense moment through laughter, while still delivering a message that the person's behaviour is unwelcome. With a bit of luck, they'll take the hint and adjust their conversation style. 

"I don't understand. Could you explain the joke?" 

When you're interested in shutting the conversation down entirely, especially one based on an off-colour "joke", Suleman recommends this question. Asking the person for an explanation aims to hold them accountable. "They might start to reconsider their words," she says. It's essential to ask this question with a tone of genuine curiosity, trying to maintain a sense of compassion. Suleman emphasizes that the goal shouldn't be humiliation. Instead, it's about prompting them to consider the intention behind their words. 

When All Else Fails: Embrace the Power of Silence 

Sometimes, the best course of action is to not engage at all, especially if you've already tried other tactics without success. "Silence becomes your strongest weapon," says Stemen. Maintaining eye contact and perhaps a slightly raised eyebrow is enough. "This conveys your disapproval without requiring a single word," she explains. "Feeding into the discussion only fuels the fire. Silence, on the other hand, lets it die out on its own." 

Important Considerations 

Of course, how you respond to an insult is influenced by various factors. You'll need to consider who is insulting you, the nature of your relationship with them, and the setting in which it happens. A snide remark from a distant family member might warrant a different approach than a hurtful comment from a close friend. 

Similarly, your response may differ depending on how safe you feel in the situation. If the insult feels particularly threatening, it's sometimes wiser to simply remove yourself from the conversation, rather than engage. Remember, you have every right to prioritize your own well-being. 

Seeking Support 

Insults, especially repeated ones, can have a significant impact on self-esteem and mental health. A 2022 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin showed how verbal prejudice contributes to worsened mental health in marginalized groups. If you're struggling to cope, don't hesitate to reach out to a therapist or trusted support system. They can help you process your emotions and provide tools to handle these challenging situations. 

Navigating Insults in the Professional Arena 

While insults can crop up anywhere, they warrant special consideration in professional settings. Unfortunately, research confirms that workplace incivility – including rude comments and insults – is rampant. A 2021 study by the Workplace Bullying Institute found that 30% of US employees have experienced abusive conduct at work. 

In these situations, it's vital to choose responses that prioritize your professionalism. Before engaging, consider the potential consequences. Is this a recurring issue, or a one-off comment? Does the person hold power over your career? Your answers will help navigate the best way to react. 

Here are a few tactics specifically geared toward work-related insults: 

"Let's focus on the matter at hand." 

This response is particularly useful when someone makes a personal dig in a meeting or group setting. It calmly deflects the attack back to the job, emphasizing your dedication to the task. You can also add a follow-up: "I'm not sure how [insult] is relevant to the project, can we get back on track?" This reinforces professionalism while highlighting the inappropriateness of their behaviour. 

"I'd appreciate it if you kept our interactions professional." 

If the problem is frequent, having a private conversation with the individual might be necessary. This direct statement clearly sets a boundary. For added impact, consider keeping a log of the offensive behaviour, including dates, times, and specific examples. If the situation doesn't improve, having documentation supports taking further action, such as involving your HR department. 

"I am not going to tolerate that sort of language." 

Sometimes, a strong statement is the only language certain people understand. This firm response is best reserved for extreme situations or repeated offences. It sends a clear message that their behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. It's important to deliver this confidently, making unwavering eye contact to amplify your point. 

Seeking Outside Help 

If workplace insults become a pattern of bullying or harassment, it's essential to remember that you're not alone. Documenting the incidents meticulously is vital, and exploring your company's policies on harassment is a must. Consider reaching out to your company's HR department or getting guidance from a legal professional specializing in workplace issues. No one should endure a hostile work environment. 

Additional Tips For All Settings 

Beyond these specific tactics, there are a few additional practices that can make navigating insults a bit easier: 

Self-Compassion: Remember, insults are often a reflection of the other person's insecurities, not a deficit in you. Practice self-compassion by reminding yourself of your strengths and worth. 

Set Boundaries: Don't be afraid to block someone on social media, end a conversation, or distance yourself from people who repeatedly insult you. You deserve respect. 

Build a Support System: Surround yourself with people who lift you up and see your true potential. Their support can be invaluable during difficult times. 

The Bottom Line: You Have Choices 

The most important thing to remember is that you don't have to tolerate insults. Whether it's a witty comeback, a firm boundary, or strategic silence – you have options for how to respond. The tactics discussed here aim to empower you with the tools to address these issues with confidence. 

However, navigating a situation where you are frequently insulted is never easy. While these responses can be helpful in the moment, don't underestimate the cumulative impact that such remarks can have. If you find those snide comments taking root in your mind, or undermining your self-esteem, it's incredibly important to seek further support. 

Therapy Can Help 

Therapy offers a safe space to process the hurt and anger caused by insults. A qualified therapist can help you understand why certain comments feel so hurtful and develop mechanisms for managing these emotions. They can also provide tools to build up your self-esteem, often a core target of insults. 

Remember, It's Not About You 

While easier said than done, it's crucial to remember that people who frequently insult others often do so from a place of insecurity or lack of empathy. This doesn't excuse their behavior, but recognizing it can help lessen the personal impact. Their hurtful words likely have very little to do with you and reflect much more about their own shortcomings. 

Prioritise Your Wellbeing 

Ultimately, your emotional and mental health take priority. There is no shame in removing yourself from harmful situations or setting strict boundaries to protect yourself. Surround yourself with people who appreciate and respect you. Those are the relationships worth cherishing. 

Final Thoughts 

We all experience insults from time to time. Learning how to respond with confidence, or when to disengage entirely, is an incredibly valuable skill. Remember, the goal is not simply to 'win' an argument or humiliate the offender with a clever comeback. Instead, it's about protecting your own emotional wellbeing, asserting your worth, and creating space for genuine dialogue when possible.